Empty Me

Today was one of those days filled with retrospect and introspect. For me, that equated to feeling pretty lousy. Two years ago, my daughters were in a car accident. One of them nearly died. It seems as if when the anniversary of the collision comes near, I tend to reflect back.

We spent 55 long days at the hospital, each intense in one form or another. What tends to stand out in my mind though is the time Rebecca was in the ICU. The reason it stands out though is not what you may be thinking. Of course I was extremely concerned for the well fare of my daughter - whether she lived or died and if she lived, what her quality of life would be. She was 17 at the time. There were plenty of sleepless nights and times I broke down sobbing. But what really stands out is the peace that I experienced.

Many people expressed their concern for me because they could see that I wasn't handling the situation like many parents do or like our relatives were. My pastor visited nearly every day. He also expressed concern. We talked it through, prayed and I walked him out. I didn't get my answer though until I was returning. It was as clear as anything I've ever heard. I had the peace that surpasses all understanding. For whatever reason, at that time in life, it came naturally to me. I had no control and I knew it. Hundreds of people were praying all around the world for Rebecca.

Philippians 4:6-7

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; ⁷ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Fast forward… A lot happened in the year that followed. There was rejoicing as Rebecca learned to walk and talk and finish her senior year of high school. There were also a lot of stressful days, as is to be expected when you work with a person who is recovering from a traumatic brain injury.

This year again we experienced a lot of rejoicing, along with a lot of stress. In January, I got sick with respiratory problems (cold, bronchitis, etc). I spent every waking moment that I wasn't scheduled to do something in bed for almost ten weeks. I tried to be strong and hide my struggle as best as I could.

February came and I decided to resign from my job. I felt like God was calling me to simply "be still". Not only did I resign my job, I also let go of almost every activity I was involved in. (There were several, to say the least!) To this day, I feel God calling me to "be still". I feel like he really wants me to rediscover who He is and truly trust Him.

I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) this summer. That helped explain a lot of things to me - like why I would forget things, why I experienced some anxiety and depression, why I have lost my concept of time. Unfortunately, a diagnosis doesn't help you feel better. I am a person who loves to help others, volunteer, build relationships, and in general, I am simply a go-getter type person. I want to please and help anyone and everyone I can. With PTSD, I am not able to do that. I am practically hog-tied into accepting help and realizing my shortcomings. Now, if that isn't depressing, I don't know what is!

On the flip side of feeling worthless, irresponsible, and helpless is coming to realize that I am not here on earth to do it on my own. I am not here to put my time in. I am here to serve God and to learn to know Him better. He is full of love and mercy. His grace will carry me through. I may have tears. I will make mistakes. God will love me through it all. I am created in His image. He will help me learn to empty me of myself, let go of my selfish ambitions and to put Him first. It is only through my pain and suffering that I will learn to grow. And I know that when I finally let go of all of the earthly and selfish things I hold onto, I will find happiness again - along with that peace that surpasses all understanding. For now, I put a smile on my face and simply praise God for who I know Him to be.

Philippians 4:8

New King James Version (NKJV)

⁸ Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

Empty Me

Chris Sligh

Verse 1:
I've had just enough of the spotlight
When it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life
And the wild ride
And found a little, is not quite enough

Pre-chorus:
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change

Chorus:
Empty me, of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition, and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing, my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be, filled with You

Verse 2:
I've seen just enough of the quick buys
Of the best lies
To know how prodigals, can be drawn away

Bridge:
Cuz everything is a lesser thing
Compared to You, compared to You
Cuz everything is a lesser thing
Compared to You, so I surrender all